+The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.

+You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

+If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

+Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

+If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

+Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.

+Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

+Jack Bauer cannot stick his elbow in his ear, but he can stick your elbow in your ear.

+Deaf people listen to Jack Bauer.

+Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.

+Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time.

+Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

+1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

+Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

+Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

+Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

+Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

+Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

+If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

+Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.

+If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris. ****yesss****

+Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? Of course you didn't, Jack Bauer was on duty.

+The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

+When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

+Jack Bauer once told God he needed access. The event has since been referred to as "The Big Bang."

+Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

+People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

+When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

+When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.